My heart is winning

Tears pour down my eyes
there is no stopping them
is this, it?

Bruised heart
Badgered soul
Broken wings…

How much more before it stops?
How much more before she hears what she is saying?
Before she sees who she is hurting?
Before she realizes what she is doing?

My brain and heart start again their never-ending battle
My heart is winning.
My soul is aching.



home 9

The morning comes and I find Grace cuddled against me like a baby and I just lay there admiring her. Her courage, determination, I don’t know how I would have reacted were things had happened differently. I probably would have lost it. She is the tough one, that’s for sure and she looks so peaceful in my arms. Today is the day we tell the kids and I plan to do it for her, she has done so much already. I lay a kiss on her forehead and slide out of bed.

The kids are still sleeping so I go downstairs to make breakfast as the sun rises on the horizon forcing me to stare out the widow and admire the rays of colored light cross the kitchen. The coffee maker beeps and the water boiler whistles as a pair of arms catch me by surprise and I try to keep the cup of coffee in my hands from hitting the floor.

I pour another cup and place it in one of her hands, turning to face her there, heels off, she is a couple of inches smaller than me. She is wearing one of my sweatshirts and her hair is curly messy, my favorite. I kiss her lips softly and she leads me and my coffee out the door to a swing in the front garden. We sit and snuggle against each other keeping us safe from the last blows of cold air of the morning. I wrap my arms around her and she rests her head on my chest. We talk about how things were before, she tells me how we went to balls and book releases. She tells me how before the kids we used to sneak here whenever she had a case to work on and i would work on whatever I was writing at the time and we would just work together and have breakfast in bed and take long walks by the beach discussing our work and taking pictures. It all sounds like a distant dream.

“What if I don’t get the surgery?”
“What do you mean? You want to stay like this?”
“Yes… No… I mean, I want to remember, I really do it all sounds like we had an amazing life but, what if things go wrong?”

We both sit there looking at the waves come and go. I can’t help to think if I’m being fair to her, fair to her wife, I know it’s me but, I am not that person anymore, am I?

“I guess… We could change the date of the surgery and you can move into the guests bedroom at home, if that makes you feel more comfortable. I just assumed you would want to come back as quickly as possible but I guess you can’t really call it coming back, can you?”
“Not really… Let’s just, take it easy, why don’t we stay over the weekend, I mean tomorrow is Friday and it wont make any sense to go back into the city. I will call Dr. Thomas this afternoon and let him know.”
“Ok, I can move your things into the guest’s room tonight when the kids are asleep”

I can hear the sorrow choking at her throat. I don’t want that but I don’t know how to tell her I don’t. What right do I have to ask her to do this?

“I would like to stay in your room, if, that’s ok with you.”

She nods and I can feel her muscles going stiff in my arms. I hug her tightly, holding her close to me and kiss her forehead, her whole body relaxes. We stay in a quiet embrace for what feels forever and I notice her looking up at me. Leaning down I kiss her softly caressing her lips with mine, pulling her closer to me and lay her head on my chest, gently playing with her hair, humming a tune to sooth her. We both fall asleep.

home 8

I serve the four dishes and light the candles, everything is ready. Wine for us and grape juice for the children, I pour it in wine glasses for them, I remember loving that as a kid. Charlie comes down first, he looks like a small version of a modern man, plaid shirt, beige vest, navy slacks and loafers.

He comes into the kitchen and gives me a hug.

“Mammaw, we’ve done it!! Mummy is going to LOVE this!”

I laugh and pick him up so he can light the last candles and Izzy comes running down the stairs announcing that our guest of honor is coming so I put Charlie down and the three of us stand by the table and wait for our date.

The three of us gasp when she walks into the dinning room. She is wearing black & white oxford heels, high waist slacks, tight around her waist and loose on the bottom, a soft pistachio green shirt with a white Ralph Lauren blazer. She blow dried her hair with perfect waves falling softly around her face, she is pure light.

I help her to her sit and we all sit after, I can’t stop staring. We all nom our food and the children are ecstatic with our family date, we agree it has to be a once a month family thing. After we are done the children take us to the living room for a special show. They dance and sing for us a song that they made up for us while they were at the beach, they even had a choreography. I go load the dishwasher while the kids make up poems for Grace and when everything is clean, it’s time for bed. I pour another glass of wine for her and the kids march to their rooms, silence falls upon us.

Sitting together on the couch my heart beats a million miles a minute. I turn on the radio and a CD starts, I hope it’s nothing silly. Silence and then I hear him: “I can really explain what it is she does, but whatever it is, it’s um simply amazing…”, it’s Trey, I know this song, I turn and she is looking at me, like she is glued to her sit or trying to be glued to it so I walk to her and offer her my hand.

“Can I have this dance?”

She nods quietly and I take her between my arms swaying to the music. Her head is resting on my shoulder, arms around my waist holding her to me and I tilt her head up and kiss her soundly. My arms softly rub her sides, embracing her, hearing her soft sobs against my shoulder I pull her closer to me tilting her head one more time kissing her over and over again until I feel her arms growing weak and I scoop her up in mine and cradle her until we reach our bedroom and I softly lay her in bed, looking down into her puffy eyes I lean down and kiss her deeply, full of passion letting my body take charge of my motions as I slowly unbutton her blazer followed by her shirt. One by one our clothes fall on the floor and I lay soft little kisses around her neck, one hand running my fingers through her hair the other gently caressing her thighs.

I feel her arms wrap around me, her nails dragging down my back forcing me to arch it, deepening the kiss, pulling on her bottom lip with my teeth as I enter her feeling her whole body clench to me and everything around us disappears, we are one.

time out

I want to thank everyone who has signed  up to follow the blog. I am in need to take a little time out from writing but I will come back full force with more parts of the story and possibly more poems. Thank you again for liking and following and commenting.


home 7

Grace comes down to meet us with a picnic basket filled with summer goodies: grapes, diced watermelon, mango and kiwi, cold water, and ice cream for the kids, they are in heaven. She lays her towel on the hot sand and offers me to sit with her, which I do, silently. We sit there side by side for what feels like an eternity and finally I hug her, wrapping one arm around her waist and I hold her hand in mine, entwining our fingers. I can feel her body trembling next to mine, I hold her tighter, firmly, against me untill her mind let’s go and her body surrenders resting leaning the weight of her worries on me and her head on my shoulder. I kiss her forehead. We are one again.

Charlie and Izzy start playing pirates and I notice Grace has fallen asleep in my arms while we were watching them. I bet she hasn’t been sleeping, she has been so meticulous about the appointments, tests and taking care of the kids while all of this was happening, this surgery has to be a success, I won’t stand it if it aint, I can’t do this to them. I can’t stop staring at her, she is so beautiful and has such an amazing heart. I am falling in love with my wife all over again. I pick her up in my arms, carry her home and lay in bed next to her, admiring every inch of beauty and perfection. I pick up a notebook from my nightstand and start writing, I don’t stop untill I’m done and I put the letter folded inside her nightstand drawer closing it slowly so it doesn’t wake her up.

I wake up with the sounds of the kids laughter on the background, Grace still sleeps next to me. I slide out of bed quietly and go for the kids.

“Why don’t we surprise mum with a nice dinner?”

“We make her a surprised ‘guetti? We can make a sauce with the sepia mummy brought”

“That’s a great idea Charlie! Why don’t you guys go to the garden and pick up some flowers for mum while I clean around and then we all cook”

And off they went to the garden to pick up flowers for her. I washed the dishes from lunch, nothing major we had sandwiches and juice and then began to take out everything we would use for dinner. The children picked up enough flowers to decorate the dinning room and the kitchen and set the table with candles and everything, tonight we were gonna have, what they called, a family “date” so it had to be romantic, “candles and all”.  In an hour the whole house was smelling like an italian restaurant and the kids couldn’t be more excited, and in all fairness, so was I. We went for a shower and to get all dressed up for our date with Grace. Izzy decided I must change and get ready in the guest room so she can tell mummy to dress up and that way it’s like a real date.

I take a quick shower and slide into a v-neck mini white lace cocktail dress, black pumps and i let my curls fall freely down my back. I am wearing my rings again, it feels strange but, right and a heart locket Grace said was my favorite, she got it for me when we had the twins, it has their initials engraved. I head to the kitchen to finish the last details. On the chalkboard that’s on the countertop of the bar that divides de dinning room and the kitchen I write:

Carraway’s Maison

Tonight’s Special:
Fresh Tagliatelle with Sepia Sauce


home 6

When I wake up everything has been packed and seems like everyone is waiting for me so I jump in the shower and meet them outside. We are taking my Jeep but of course Grace won’t let me drive, and I let her since I have no clue where we are going to, even though it seems to be the family’s favorite spot.

The kids couldn’t be more excited, 2 days off of school. Grace and I agreed we would have a family meeting tonight and explain everything to the kids, for now, Izzy has her head on my ipad listening to music and reading and Charlie is playing soccer on his ps vita. Me? I’m sitting on the passenger’s seat staring at the road; my hand rests on Grace’s thigh while she drives and smiles at all three of us like nothing is wrong.

All the turns wake me up and it seems like we are about to arrive. Gates to right and left announce we are here, almost. The kids can’t hold in the excitement and are making plans to build sand castles, go in the water and just enjoy as much as possible. Grace says I should be good; the beach is not very crowded this time of the year, since kids are at school, so I won’t have to deal with a lot of people. She knows me so well, it’s scary.


“Yes Isabel”

“Are you going to write? I didn’t see mum pack your laptop and I know you write whenever we come to the beach”

“No munchkin, these days are entirely for the four of us”

Both children scream in approval and excitement as I turn back to face the front. We go through one of the gates following a path made with white pebbles and there it is. I’m speechless. This is ours? I come down the car in absolute awe. Bluestone walkways, stairway to the beach, the most amazing landscape you have ever seen! The kids are running to their rooms to change and I can’t wake up from the dream. Grace encourages me to walk around, she will unload the car.

My tour gets interrupted by an excited Izzy already in her swimsuit.

“MOM! Can you come with me to the beach?”

“Of course!”

We walk out the house hand in hand and she leads the way through the deck, down the stairs to the beach. We sit on the sand with our feet touching the water that comes to tickle our toes playfully. She tells me about school and this boy in her class that teases her and I hear her attentively as she explains to me how he must “obviously” have a crush on her because his behavior is too silly even for kids “her age”, I am completely immersed in the conversation telling her how boys, and sometimes girls, like to tease to draw attention to them and it’s her turn to listen intently, which she does untill Charlie comes running down the stairs and into the water splashing it against us, and their water battle begins.

the painter & the canvas

You are the finest of canvas
but you haven’t notice

As the Painter
I need to make you mine

My hands as brushes
draw lines of passion and desire along your pale skin
they slide among your curves
stroking every inch of perfection
every corner of pleasure

My fingertips
running through the depths of your being
owning you
making you mine

I feel you arch with my tender touch

My senses burst at the smallest sign of delight
contemplating the masterpiece before me

The Painter will always be a server of the Canvas
It is in its beauty where her true talent resides.


on my own skin

Every one of my body cells scream her name
every inch of my skin feels her presence

Who would have thought I’d be where I am today?
who would have thought things would be so different

I have surrendered to you without even putting up a fight
I have given you me without feeling like I’ve lost myself

Even if our story turns
even if our paths part into different directions

I know
I know I will stand in front of her

My eyes will meet hers
my fingers will touch the depths of her soul
my lips will explore her skin and count every freckle
like a satellite explores a constellation of stars

When I’m with her the world stops and there is only us
when I’m with her my heart skips beats like a child on a prairie

She make me feel safe
safe on my own skin


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